Starting a dialogue about the future with aging parents is rarely easy, but it is one of the most important steps you can take to ensure their wishes are honored and your family is prepared. In the fall of 2022, my siblings and I sat down with our parents – then 86 and 82 – to ask a simple but profound question: “Mom and Dad, what are your plans?”
While these discussions can feel uncomfortable, they provide clarity for everyone involved. Based on my family’s experience and the proactive approach taken by my father-in-law, here is a guide to navigating “the hard conversation.”
Key Questions to Ask
When you sit down together, focus on understanding their vision for the future. Key topics should include:
- Living Arrangements: Do they wish to stay in their legacy home, or would they prefer to move to a smaller, more manageable space?
- Legal Documents: Do they have a current will, and where is it located?
- Medical Wishes: In the event of a medical emergency, what efforts should be taken? Do they have a living will or advanced directives regarding life support and resuscitation?
- Possessions and Property: How do they want their property and personal possessions handled after they pass?
- Final Wishes: What are their preferences for their remains and their funeral or memorial service?
Setting the Family Up for Success
Proactive planning can prevent future stress. For example, my father-in-law met with a lawyer in his mid-60s to designate healthcare proxies and co-executors for his estate. This ensured his children were prepared to step in when needed. Following that lead, my wife and I have also set up our own “succession plan,” including:
- Establishing a Living Will and Advanced Healthcare Directives.
- Creating a “NokBox” where all important documents live.
- Determining guardianship for our daughter and care plans for our pets.
Essential Checkpoints for Advance Care Planning
To make sure nothing is missed, use this checklist for your discussion:
- Power of Attorney: Ensure there is a Durable Power of Attorney for both finances and healthcare.
- Location of Documents: Identify where important documents live, including bank logins, utility accounts, and password managers.
- Financial Logistics: Discuss which bills are on automatic payment and identify their financial advisor or accountant.
- The Will: Confirm the will is up to date and that the executor knows exactly where to find it.
- Digital Legacy Access: Appoint a “Digital Partner” to ensure your vital passwords and account information can be accessed when needed.
Initiating this conversation is an act of love. It ensures that your parents’ legacy is handled exactly as they wish, providing peace of mind for the entire family.
– By John Warther, Certified Aging in Place Specialist – Changing Places